noclimaxduringsex
I’m a 23-year old girl and I have never had an orgasm during intercourse or by manual or oral stimulation. Also if someone kisses my clitoris, I just can’t get to the top of the hill and over it. But when I play with myself, I have no problem at all. I am ashamed about not coming, especially when a boy does his utmost to make me feel good. I don’t have a steady relationship, but I do have sex with the same boy on a regular basis. Is there a solution for this? Can I practise on my own? I always stimulate myself in the same special way, have done so since I was twelve. Could that be the cause of the problem? I’m used to a special technique, and maybe I cannot come in any other way? I hope there is a solution for this without me having to go into therapy or something. The boys that I have been to bed with tell me that their other girl friends never had any problems with this, and even climaxed through intercourse, without any stimulation of the clitoris. But stimulation of the clitoris is necessary, isn’t it? Am I an exception?
No climax during sex: conditions for reaching an orgasm
Supposing, however, that you have a good relationship with your friend (s), the following information may be useful to you: In order to reach the climax, the following conditions must prevail: desire, arousal and effective stimulation. These conditions are met when you masturbate. The essential point is probably that you feel completely free: there is no sense of inhibition or the need to show behaviour that you do not feel. So the question is: What is different when you are not by yourself, but with someone else?
No climax during sex: desire
Do you feel as horny as when you masturbate on your own? Are you really full of desire to go to bed with this boy, longing to hold him, touch him, kiss him, play with his penis, want him to play with you, have him inside you? If this is not the case, what are the factors that inhibit you? Is the sex safe enough? Are you thinking about the last time you were together and your ‘failure’ to have an orgasm then? Feeling a little inhibition in company is normal, but worries should not be so big as to dull the appetite.
No climax during sex: getting sufficiently aroused
Do you get sufficiently aroused? Probably you get aroused and reach what is called the ‘plateau phase’ (see the sexual response), from which orgasms can spring. You know this stage from experience, when you feel excited, your heart beats faster, you are hot and wet. Yet at the same time you are aware of yourself and of the boy working on you. You feel you need a specific touch or technique (the one you use on your own) to help you make the jump into orgasm. And so, whatever he tries and however much you want to, you can’t. You begin to be an observer rather than a partaker. Then, after perhaps other attempts, you become less aroused, and any more work done by the boy is wasted and even slightly irritating.
No climax during sex: learning to masturbate
Obviously, the technique the boy uses is not your own. So you must somehow explain it to him. Most boys are quite happy to get this information, because they genuinely want to give pleasure. After a while, you may begin to feel so comfortable with him, that you may find you can come through another technique. It is a good idea to learn to vary your own masturbation technique. Try something else and don’t give it up, and you’ll find there are many roads leading to Rome. It is true that a girl can have an orgasm (or more) by sexual intercourse alone, so without direct stimulation of the clitoris. You, too, could experience that, if you get out of your present impasse and take the following remarks to heart:
No climax during sex: tips
- To make love joyfully and satisfactorily, orgasm is not essential, nor should it be the goal of love making. Much more important is being actively involved, feeling horny and uninhibited in a communicative and intimate way. Unfortunately many people cannot practise this extremely simple principle, because they are uninformed or misinformed. Pornography, for instance, is usually not the best example of the pleasure of sex. Also, people have hidden agendas. Some boys are only out to score and are utterly uninterested in the girl’s feelings. Some girls cannot simply make love unconditionally: they wonder if the boy will be true to them, marry them, and be a father to the children they think they want. Without hidden agendas, lovemaking is usually unproblematic.
- Even though orgasm should not be the goal of love-making, it is wonderful to come in the presence of your lover. Not necessarily always or at the same time or through intercourse. If you have your own technique for reaching the climax, which somehow he cannot quite master, why not do it yourself, while he is kissing and holding you? It’s a great experience, also for him, and just as much shared as if his hand had done it.
- Remember that everything in love is fair. It is wonderful to experiment together and find different ways of giving each other pleasure. Perhaps you have been far too passive so far, and have consciously or unconsciously expected him to do the work of making you come. The more active and outgoing you can be, and the more open you communicate your feelings (not necessarily in words), the greater will be the satisfaction you derive from your sessions together.